Fly-Bys. A rant to my husband. - 32 (West Jeff)
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Date: 2008-11-14, 1:42PM EST
Missed Connections. Yeah, that's how I feel. I miss our connection. We did have one at one point, I know it. This past year has been only missed connections between us. You asked me last Saturday, "do you really love me?" Why did you ask me that when I know that you despise me? I don't get it. I'm so emotional right now it makes me crazy. I go from missing you to hating you. I either want to run to your arms or am feeling intense anger. You think you're so perfect and everything is my fault! This is not true and you won't ever see that and it infuriates me. You are so obsessed with that stupid website and those losers on it that you won't pull your h--- from your a--- and see the TRUTH.
But, as Anias Nin said: We do not see the things as they are, we see them as we are. I don't know who that is, but I saw that quote.
I made mistakes and you made them, too, by fueling your anger and contempt for me, KNOWING it would destroy our relationship (remember we talked about how contempt will kill a r'ship). You drove me away and you did it on purpose. You pushed me and pushed me and destroyed me with your "venting" and your bullsh-t "i'm the repairman" crap to the point where I hated myself so much I wanted to kill myself. Thanks for that. But I'm not there anymore - because of my own inner strength.
Here I thought I was confused but you are still upset that I'm going on the business trip cause you think I'm going to fool around with someone? Hello we don't live in the same house anymore. You said you would never trust me if I moved out and now you're changing it to you'd not trust me if I went to Canada? Don't you get it yet?? I don't want anyone else. I don't love anyone else.
And I'm sorry, but some of the things on the index cards are just plain crazy. Flirting with RH? By being nice and cordial? Are you insane? Do you not know what flirting is? You actually said that I should look down and not speak to anyone. That I should not ever engage in conversations with men. I was on your motorcycle and some guy tried to flirt and I said a short sentence to blow him off, referencing "my husband" in it and drove off, yet that's not good enough for you. I'm still what, flirting? Get a grip!!!
I never do anything right. No matter what I do, it's wrong. Cleaning the house and doing dishes and laundry and groceries and dinners etc: wrong because I'm trying to "seek your approval." I also bugbombed the house: WHY?!?!!? because you hated the gnats and I wanted you to come home to a clean house. But by doing that, I was..... what did you say I was doing? Seeking your approval???? But in the next breath, we had no more shampoo left so I was planning to leave you. THIS MAKES NO SENSE. You are batsh-t crazy!!!!!
You sacrificed your life by me going to to school and getting my degree and working part-time?
1st: you would've been working anyway.
2nd: when you started the business to help with the bills, you loved it and I would go with you on runs whenever possible.
3rd: I would gladly help you go through school and not hold it over your head like you are with me.
4th: Isn't that what married people do? help each other? Do I not support whatever you want to do? Have I ever moaned or bitched about anything you wanted to buy?
You said we only went on vacations I wanted and with my family. Well this is interesting because I'm the one who realized that and after I said it, I made a decision not to do the next family thing b/c that wasn't fair! You never even noticed! And if you did, you should have said something! You never even mentioned going on any vacation ever! It's not like you said, "let's go here sometime" and I shot it down?? SPEAK UP! But when you would speak up, you started doing this neat trick of saying you wanted something, but not really wanting it to see if I would do what you said you wanted, or what you really wanted in your head. Wow. and you thought I sabotaged the relationship.OH, and if I did what you said you wanted, then it wasn't cause I loved you, it was because I was seeking approval.
You talk trash about me and air all our dirty laundry to your friends, family, and boss. I HAVE no friends. I have DITCHED my family. And because people at work NOTICED that I was depressed (well gee, I was being emotionally, verbally and physically abused and wanting to kill myself. Sorry if they noticed I wasn't chipper) and they actually care about me because they're good people, you think I'm running for attention and help??? HYPOCRITE!!! I bet if you did read this, you'd think I was doing that now. I'm sorry, who is the one who posts obsessively in that forum of whiners and airs everything there and get attn there! NO, I have not been there:but you said that that's all you do now. HAHAH what a hypocrite!!!
What have I sacrificed, you asked me.
Well let's see, I pretty much offered my body on the alter when you beat me all summer, and my psyche when I let you insult me for hours & hours & hours on end.
I threw out all my books that I love, books that have been my best friends and well-loved.
I threw out all my music that I love.
I threw out all my journals that I've kept my whole life.
I threw out all my photographs of everything because you were threatened by pictures from 10 years ago:I have one photo album from when I was 10 years old. But I'm sure if you looked through it, you'd find problems there, too.
You said on Saturday, "you want to be with me, but you don't love me." You still think that I want to be with someone like you, but not you. Let me tell you the truth: when I think of the man I fell in love with, the man that I would be in happy tears over - yes I love him and want to be with him. But the you from this past year scares the hell out of me. I don't even recognize you. You've let this monster in you take over and you've got to fight it. But I can't do it for you.
You said that you would have killed me if you could get away with it.
You said that American women are out of control because their husbands can't stone them and there are no "consequences."
Yeah, you've lost your godd-mn mind. That's not the man I fell in love with. Let me know if he ever returns. I miss him so much.
CR will never read this. But I got a little (teeny tiny) bit off my chest. Thanks to whoever spent time reading this.
I especially loved the line: "You said that American women are out of control because their husbands can't stone them and there are no 'consequences'"....it just speaks to my inner romantic.
In all sincerity, I would like to thank the lady who posted this. Thank her for the fascinating look into what has to be the world's most disastarous marriage.Ever. And speaking of thanks, I appreciate anyone who cleared the two hours out of their day that it took to read this tome of a craigslist post. It deserves two songs.
Van Morrison - 'And It Stoned Me' MP3
Kate Nash - 'Foundations' MP3