restraining order - 20 (OSU)
Date: 2010-04-05, 2:07AM EDT
To my favorite ex-boyfriend (sweet Benjamin):
I realize that you're having difficulty looking at me since it's been over a year since we broke up, and that I now shrink your erection (don't worry, you're not the only one!), but I would really appreciate it if you'd take a break from telling our friends I'm psychologically demented. Clearly, you want to have sex with me, and that's what this is all about. The few times we did have sex were alright I guess, but while you never could finish without making ridiculous high-pitched noises as if you were in pain, I wouldn't mind trying again. But this game you're playing (yelling at me to stop "following you" when we go to the same church, not looking me in the eyes in public, getting a restraining order on me, "confessing" to your parents that we had sex as if God had a problem with it, yelling at me about how I'm wrong about something in general - what I have yet to figure out) is really driving me bonkers. I would have sex with you again, I really would. However after I realized that while we were still together, you thought you stood a chance with this one slut (we'll call her Amy J) who happens to 1. lead a Bible study and 2. talk about sex and God inextricably more than any other vagina I've met, well, it's just become a little bit more complicated. You see my sweet love, she knows that you want to have sex with her. This is in fact why she is so coy with you! On again off again! "Hard to catch" and yet SUCH a good friend! All girls are like this. We KNOW. Penis trumps all. That is, until we get married, then we really have no idea that it was all about the sex. You left me for this other vagina, and I'm just going to say. That was wrong. That was cold, well-executed (I didn't even believe it for almost a year! But my dad set me straight, understanding himself very well), and did I say cold? When you broke up with me and I acted like that was alright, you went straight to Amy J and got sad. She wanted to help, so she IM'd me and said you needed space. I should have listened, I'm sorry for not giving you space then! Maybe then you would have ignored her fat slimy ass. She really does have butter thighs, you know. I/everyone was shocked when they figured out you were chasing a chubby instead of your Playboy-bunny ex-girlfriend.
Anyway.. seeing as how you don't even know I exist anymore in real life (I had to ask you if you got a lawyer to get your attention) well, I'm sorry the sex will never be that good again, but if you want to work it out... you have my number. Just don't expect sex til there's a ring on my finger and bells ringing, bitch.
See you in court tomorrow.
* The New Pornographers - 'The Laws Have Changed' MP3