Certain Songs

dating app - 23 (lancaster)

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Reply to: pers-jnzmb-1101800240@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}
Date: 2009-04-01, 3:06AM EST


What I want

Now, on to the important stuff, namely, what I want in a woman. I have several requirements:

1. She must be hot: I don't mean pretty, cute, or attractive. I mean people-stop-in-the-street, random-men-follow-you-home, cars-wreck-as-you-walk-by hot. Looks are not everything, but that's where it all begins. (And no, the girl DOES NOT have to be tall or blonde. As long as she's hot, she could be black, Hispanic, short, red hair, whatever. Hot crosses all boundaries. Except maybe fat. You don't really see any hot fat girls. Voluptuous yes; fat no.)

2. She must be smart and cultured: Smart can be defined several ways. Generally, the best indication of intelligence is agreeing with me. If you get, and enjoy, the humor on this page then you are probably smart enough. I don't expect a woman to be witty enough to be able to verbally spar with me on a consistent basis; please, if one even exists, I've never met her (and don't email me telling me that you are that girl. You aren't). As long as she gets my jokes, and can throw one or two back every few minutes, she's good. As far as cultured goes, she doesn't have to be the fashion critic from Vogue, she just has to know more about the arts, decoration, and design than I do, and has to have some sense of style, because I have none. This is not one of the tougher requirements to pass. If she can coordinate an outfit, she should sail through this.

3. She must be emotionally stable: This is very important. Nut jobs need not apply for a date with me, as I already have more than enough problems for one relationship. I require a woman who comes from a loving, stable family and carries no major emotional baggage with her. I'll give her more baggage than a Fendi store, she doesn't need to bring any into the relationship.

4. She must be willing and able to have lots of children: I want at least 5 kids, maybe more. This requires a healthy woman with good birthing hips, a resilient figure, good genes, and a love of children. She doesn't have to worry about being a housewife, because housekeepers and nannies will be provided. She just has to be willing to have the kids, love them, and spend enough time with them that they don't grow up and hate their mother. If she makes enough money, I'd be happy to stay home with the kids. As long as she pops'em out, I'll take care of them. And she has to breast feed; that's very important. Breast feeding is worth like 10-15 IQ points for the child, and my kids are going to need every advantage they can get.

5. She must be fun to hang out with: Perhaps most important of all, we must have fun being together. Everything else is important, but it all goes to shit if we don't get along and have a great time when together. But I'm a fun guy, so that shouldn't be hard. If I like you, you'll like me.

6. She must be willing to take care of me and worship me: Unlike most guys, I'm going to be honest: I want to be nurtured and coddled. No question. I want a woman that will cook for me (at least sometimes), that will take care of me when I'm sick, that will do my laundry, clean up for me (sometimes), give me massages and just generally care about my welfare more than I do. She has to hold me in the same regard I hold myself, i.e., she has to worship me. Believe it or not, this isn't hard to find by itself, but this combined with "smart and cultured," well, that's hard. Probably because a smart woman would never be stupid enough to worship me. I guess that's what mail order bride catalogs are for.

7. Has to be bi-sexual: I have decided that I am not ever going to restrict myself to sex with only one woman, so my woman (women) need to either accept that fact or enjoy women right along with me.

Still want to fill out the Date Application?

*****

I can't tell if he is joking or not...and I've read it twice.


* Cat Power - 'Great Expectations' MP3